Lovefool 06.09.14 | Just Dishy

 The world of dating sims can get crazy, but how could it possibly get crazier than choosing the sushi ingredient of your dreams? Lovefool finds out by diving deep into Love! Sushi Rangers – Choose Your Target (sushi?)!.



Nerdlings! Where have I been?!? I know, I know. I was in Omaha one weekend and I thought that maybe I had convinced JG,FE to step up to the plate and take a swing but he’s got school and work and wee Squishykins to mind so he didn’t quite manage to churn out a thousand words or whatever on romance in/and comics and nerd culture (how I explain the column to my confused-looking coworkers) and that’s fine. Last week, I woke up with a scratchy throat and immediately fell incredibly ill, like at-the-doctor-on-Monday ill, and that’s not conducive to writing at all so there was another week. I’m still a little iffy this weekend, which super-sucks because I’m also bored with being sick and stuck in my house and haven’t done anything except work and watch Parks & Recreation for the last week, but I have to spread the word about this ridic game that I discovered last week.
Well, I say I discovered it, but really it was my nerdy work cousin who told me about the game where you sim-date a sushi ingredient and it only came up because our friend, Fade, sent out an email about the game where you date a pigeon. I know, I’m obviously terrible at my not-job writing this column because I knew nothing about either one of these games and laughed myself into a coughing fit when I heard about the sushi one. Because really? That’s a thing? IS THAT A THING THAT PEOPLE PLAY?
It totally, totally is. And Kotaku covered Love! Sushi Rangers – Choose Your Target (sushi?)! (the game’s full title) this week, which is where my work cousin would’ve heard about it, but I had to explore for myself. And, goodness, but it is just the funniest thing. You play as a girl with a sketchy sushi chef dad who takes off for a cruise, leaving you in charge of your family’s sushi restaurant. Except you don’t know anything about making sushi, and what you do know, you can’t do terribly proficiently. So. Problem. Solution? Shut down while your sketch dad is gone. But then! You’re closing up for the night, pondering all the stuff you actually have to do to close down the restaurant for a month or whatever, and you hear whispers from the dark. Freaking out because you thought you were alone and you’re a semi-reasonable sort of lady, you slowly move to investigate the noises only to discover some very pretty dudes hanging out in the front of the house bickering with each other. And then they tell you that they’re your family’s sushi ingredients and you freak out and then stop freaking out and then eventually try to hook up with one. And that’s presented as a totally reasonable course of action, even when the sushi admits to watching you while you were growing up. Which doesn’t seem possible unless the ingredient’s spirit just kind of ends up being in every piece of said ingredient? Because if the tuna is watching you while you’re a little girl but then the tuna gets eaten…I don’t know, they don’t really explain that part, which is actually what I really want to know about.
I would’ve caught that part, despite the fact that I…umm, I kind of lost interest and had to power through to the end. I know, I’m sorry, I should’ve savored it, like a perfect piece of fish melting on one’s tongue. (Not that I’d know anything about that, I finally went ahead and gave up sushi, too.) I’m sorrrrrrry. I tried, okay? It’s just not terribly interactive and it’s also a freemium game, kind of, and that always kind of annoys me because I have to stop to do stuff. Just charge me a couple bucks from go and let me play and we’ll be good. The game’s currency is koyon and you start out with a wee bit, but it’s ten koyon to move from section to section within the chapter and you don’t really get to do much. Remember the pirate game? We got to have some control over the game.
Seriously, I went through the entire shebang with my tuna boooooyfriend and answered, like, four questions. And then, because I’m clearly crap at incredibly weird, slightly sexist but oddly self-aware dating sims, my affinity with my chosen fish wasn’t at 99% or whatever after chapter four and I had to spend some koyon to get it up high enough to unlock chapter five and my fishy happily-ever-after. I will ‘fess up to spending about two bucks on koyon because I didn’t want to wait to get my 20 freebies at 4:00 AM (20 koyon, for perspective, is two sections of a chapter and about three minutes of gameplay if you’re savoring it) but it just wasn’t super-fun. The writing was hilarious, hopefully intentionally so, and the sushi-dudes were attractive but I wanted a little more input in how the girlie (okay, how I) ended up engaged to a sushi.
Oh, man, I am just crying with laughter while I’m writing this. Sometimes the things I do for you guys are amazing. I’m going to finish this and then send JG,FE about a hundred screencaps and you should, if you’re bored and in need of some lulz, check out the prologue. The game is available for android and iPhone so those bases are covered. Or you can save yourself some time and just look at my incredibly hilarious screencaps. Whatevs. Do you, nerdlings, really love sushi? | Erin Jameson

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