Perfect Storm (DVD Release, Warner Home Video)

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By now, even the most intransigent Tinseltown tycoon should know better than to fool with success-or Mother Nature-but in The Perfect Storm, Hollywood stubbornly returns to the North Atlantic in an attempt to profit yet again on our sentiments for sinking seafarers. Exit Titanic, enter titanic waste of time-mostly yours, if you bother to watch it. This time around, it is the film itself that goes down with all hands. Worse yet, there is no precious jewel to salvage from this wreck.

The movie is based on Sebastian Junger's best-selling book of the same name, in which a group of ill-fated, New England fishermen meets with disaster as three terrifying weather systems conspire against them to produce the perfect storm. The film version takes a slightly different tack, in which it is we, the movie-going audience, who meet with disaster-a manmade disaster in this case-as a maudlin script, clichéd directing, and a boatload of bad actors conspire against us to produce perfect crap.

Shed no tears for this crew-film crew, that is. The noblest efforts of the U.S. Coast Guard could not save the real-life crew from its fate, and even an heroic special effects team cannot save the film, itself, from a watery grave. But you can save yourself-and your money-by staying onshore for this outing.

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