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Tuesday, 26 January 2010 14:36

Peanut butter recall

1. Michael Jackson dies on my birthday

Can you believe that? On my fucking birthday.

2. Jeff Smith indicted for electoral fraud

At which point Joan Bray became the last hope of progressive Missourians.

3. KFUO-FM sold to the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod

When word got out at the beginning of fall that our beloved Classic 99 was under threat of being corrupted by an all-religious format, the St. Louis intelligentsia responded in force. Of course, the subsequent flurry of angry, needlessly verbose emails to the church weren't enough to stop the deal from going through, and cultural watchdogs began counting down the days until Mozart was supplanted by Michael McDonald.

4. Adam Yauch contracts cancer

No punchline here. I have friends who cried.

5. Classic literature/Twilight tie-ins

Actually, these were pretty ingenious. The dynamos at HarperCollins, always thinking around corners, saw the Twilight phenomenon as a chance to pander to the tween demographic by lending a hip, young edge to material that might otherwise carry the stigma of being assigned reading. Not a bad idea in theory; it worked for Baz Luhrmann. Unfortunately, Harper's folly was to release new trade paperback editions of Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre and Romeo and Juliet with florid Meyer-esque artwork and Twitard-friendly cover blurbs (e.g., Bella & Edward's Favorite Book, The Original Forbidden Love). The end result had all the youth appeal of your hippie uncle wearing a Hootie shirt, and the kids saw through it immediately. But they all had a good laugh, and then they went through with their initial plan to use Mom's credit card to buy a copy of The Host.

6. Lady Gaga

The soundtrack to self-trepanation, with a shock therapy haircut to boot.

7. Peanut butter recall

Why don't you just rip my heart right out of my body?

8. Hope and change take a heavy sack beating

With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast, Obama was on top of the world. So he wanted to kick up his heels and indulge his sweet tooth. The GOP had thwarted his earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with them out of the picture, he was free to wallow in his own crapulence. But the old axiom was misleading: Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult. Stricken, he lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, he gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Then, with his last ounce of strength, he sucked out his gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

9. Norman Borlaug dies

At the senseless age of 95.

Michael Morlaine