I will admit right now that others in the theater laughed, but I think they must have all been idiots.

I enjoy poop, pee and penis jokes as much as the next girl, but sometimes enough is really way too much. Thanks to The Love Guru, I now know where that line is.

Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is hired by hockey team owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) to get her star player back on track after his marriage falls apart. But Pitka's training ends up making more trouble for Bullard and her team, as non-sequiturial wackiness ensues.

Myers and everyone who played a part in this movie should be horrified at the result. The Love Guru is one crass, stupid, unfunny joke after another. I will admit right now that others in the theater laughed, but I think they must have all been idiots. Personally, I felt myself becoming openly hostile toward the film about ten minutes into it. There were actually a couple of times where I was forced to hide my face because the movie's use of bodily waste had become too much for me to bear.

Imagine, if you will, laughing at Myers smelling a broom handle that's been shoved up his butt and making an "Oh, that smells bad" face. How about giggling for an imaginary Indian dish that just happens to look exactly like a man's genitals that got beaten and deep-fried? How funny does watching two elephants copulating sound? Or watching men fight each other with pee-soaked mops? The list goes on and forever on.

The bad part about all this? Myers and crew seem to think they've hit the mother load of laughter, when really they've just shown how truly bereft of fresh ideas they are. Here's a hint for your next film, guys: If a 10-year-old can come up with it, we've all heard it a million times.

If any of the main performances were fresh or interesting I could have let the icky, bad jokes go. Unfortunately, Myers thought Guru Pitka was a good way to get back to Austin Powers-style camera mugging, but it's never funny. And sure, Alba is pretty and she seems nice, but I don't believe there's anything ever going on in her head. Guess what that means? She's not really a convincing major sports team owner. Bullard is supposed to be tough and smart, but she just comes off as an uneducated supermodel who got handed a big-time business.

Ben Kingsley has a small part as Pitka's childhood teacher, and I actually came close to tears because of the ridiculous things he allowed himself to do and say, which didn't even generate laughs. Apparently Kingsley's done with any sort of personal dignity. The best performances in the movie belong to Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan as a pair of hockey commentators. But, alas, they're not in The Love Guru nearly enough to save it from itself. | Adrienne Jones

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