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Written by Byron Kerman Thursday, 14 December 2006 03:04

Let Byron Kerman be your guide this month to all that's weird, wild, and wonderful...with a focus, for sure, on the weird. (But, hey, we love him anyway.)

Yeah, that live-action Transformers movie they're working on should be pretty cool. But you know what's cooler? Playing with vintage Transformers. And Stretch Armstrongs. And Weebles. Weebles rock, dude. Literally. Stop by the biggest ToyMan Toy Convention of the year at Bridgeton's Machinist Hall and pick up the toys of yore without the toy store (Dec. 10, 636-332-0807).

It cannot be determined why the St. Louis County Library – Indian Trails Branch has chosen to screen the forgotten Steve Martin gem Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid in December. So let us simply give thanks for the chance to watch Martin interact with Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Burt Lancaster, Humphrey Bogart, and the many others from film noir classics that appear in the 1982 comedy, thanks to the magic of editing (Dec. 12, http://www.slcl.org).

It would be wrong to shout "Lisa Loeb!" at Dweezil Zappa when he is mid-solo at the Zappa Plays Zappa concert at the Pageant Dec. 14. That is because the bespectacled, humorless singer-songwriter is no longer linked to the monobrowed son of Frank Zappa. So don't do it. Here's a better idea: Get backstage after the show and have supercool drummer Terry Bozzio sign that old Missing Persons LP. But of course, the best idea is to just enjoy Zappa, Bozzio, Steve Vai, Napoleon Murphy Brock, and all the other Zappa cronies playing FZ classics (http://www.ticketmaster.com).

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that Artica, the closest thing St. Louis has to Burning Man, is back in business. The bad news is, it's outdoors in December. This time you won't just enjoy looking at a fire, you'll need one to keep warm. The freeform festival of art, community and pyromania returns to an industrial area just north of Laclede's Landing, right by the Mississippi (Dec. 16, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '; document.write( '' ); document.write( addy_text61359 ); document.write( '<\/a>' ); //--> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 314-369-7832).

Hey, check out my faboo new daishiki! Its colorful patterns conjure the vivid colors of an African marketplace. And the funky rhythm of its stripes and borders conjures the festive rhythm of life in the old world. And its floor-length hem conjures some serious motherfuckin' comfort, because I don't have to wear pants underneath. Celebrate Kwanzaa: Festival of the First Fruits two times: with storytelling, crafts, jewelry, displays, African drumming, and musical performances at the Missouri Botanical Garden (Dec. 27, www.mobot.org/) and with stories, music, dance and kids' crafts at the St. Louis Art Museum (Dec. 29, 314-721-0072, www.slam.org/). | Byron Kerman