Sir Elton, a Day in the Life | Based on a few separate news items, we've painstakingly pieced together a rough sketch of how chubby funster Elton John spends his time.

Sir Elton, a Day in the Life | Based on a few separate news items, we've painstakingly pieced together a rough sketch of how chubby funster Elton John spends his time. Each day begins with a thorough perusal of all British tabloids for any stories about him that could lead to a lucrative lawsuit (we imagine he employs a veritable rainbow of Brite Liners to mark his favorites); between court settlements and gaudy Vegas stage productions, the man may never have to write an original song again, and thank god for that. He's a big supporter of British newspapers (where a front-page story detailing the health of one of the Queen's corgis is no rarity) over American ones, saying, "You can read the New York Times, and by the time you get to the second page you're so bored that you throw the bloody thing on the floor. It's unreadable," an assessment that immediately earns him the title of Awesome English Dude^TM (see also Doherty, Pete). Next on the agenda: issuing unsolicited opinions regarding others' careers. Elton has recently focused on Robbie Williams and his feud with ex-Take That bandmate Gary Barlow. Now, as Americans we don't care about Robbie Williams or his boring old boy band, so we'll sum it up: Elton says Robbie needs to get over it already. So there. If we're lucky, our flatulent friend is able to squeeze out one more unsolicited judgment like the following, which reminds us all of his significant historical influence and perspective, "[Fashion has] been a thing the British have always been very good at, with Bowie, myself, T.Rex, the Who, Queen...it's good that some American bands are beginning to do that, but it's still very rare for bands to make a real effort. I'm so over the tattoos and the T-shirts and rings through the noses. It's not pretty, it's not pleasant, it's not exciting. Please stop it now." If you know a member of the punk or faux-punk communities, please shield him/her from these cutting remarks-who knows how many suicides (or, worse yet, songs about suicide) could result! Whew, so that brings us to the end of another busy morning for the reigning queen of Awesome Englishness^TM. Have a HoHo and take yourself a nap, buddy. You've earned it. | Kimberly Faulhaber & Sarah Lenzini

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