2. Take a mediocre band and create a hysterically unbridled buzz around them through an unmatched and awe-inspiring profile or review sure to be the envy of every music writer in existence.

3. While completing the above, simultaneously destroy a highly regarded artist, whether the band deserves it or not.

4. Continually remind self every day that the power of the music critic is absolute and must not be questioned.

5. Scour the globe for an obscure geographical location and become a champion for the “local scene,” thereby solidifying anti-mainstream credibility and becoming a minor celebrity in said locale.

6. Sell the stacks of review material wasting away on the shelf for something more useful, like food or books.

7. Start basing selection of review material on resale value.

8. Mock all music publications until work appears within their pages, then become biggest devotee.

9. Create more desperately needed new musical terms and untapped genres.

10. Finish novel of a misunderstood poet whose verse actually saves the world when an alien invasion is repelled by his sestinas.

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