When Alice Cooper is aging more gracefully than you are, it might be time to lay off whatever moonshine or gasoline you're drinking and add some healthy fats to your diet. And perhaps employ the occasional vigorous toothbrushing? Your gums (and ladyfriend) will thank you.

Cornell Crafts Bond Theme, a Few Vagina Euphemisms Just for Fun | Audioslave frontman Chris Cornell has been selected to join heavy-hitters like Nancy Sinatra and Sheena Easton in singing the theme song for a James Bond film, the upcoming Casino Royale.

Damn Indecisive Bat Set to Fly Again | In our continuing coverage of new music no one asked for, we bring you Meat Loaf's third installment of the Bat Out of Hell series, due this month.

Snarky humor with a hint of truth.

Back in the glory days, if Oprah had somehow offended the delicate sensibilities of N.W.A., they simply would have written a rap about gangbanging her—problem solved. That we have to be the ones to propose this obvious solution makes us very, very sad.

Snarky Humor: The Walrus was Paul?

FIAB@SXSW: We crammed into Emo’s for the last few songs of Giant Drag’s set, just in time to hear Annie Hardy’s cloying, faux-baby voice declare, “They say everything is bigger in Texas, but I saw a dwarf today, so that’s not true.”

Sir Elton, a Day in the Life | Based on a few separate news items, we've painstakingly pieced together a rough sketch of how chubby funster Elton John spends his time.

Some Kind of Backtracking | Oh so quietly, anti-MP3ers Metallica have snuck their entire catalog onto iTunes. Although their full albums were already downloadable through other outlets, the band has suddenly reversed its position on not "contribut[ing] to the demise of the album format" and made individual songs available for purchase, too.