Fish in a Barrel | January 2006

Snarky humor for the ones who are pretty sure there’s a joke to be made about the whole “Foxy Brown is deaf” thing, but can’t quite get there.

Karen O Intrigues Us With Zany Hairdos, Wins Us with Kitty Love | Producer Squeak E. Clean has revealed details of the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album, due in March. Tentatively titled Coco Beware, it follows the journey of Karen O’s cat Coco from Chile, where she was found by O and “Maps” video director Patrick Daughters, to a short escape from a Buenos Aires hotel room, and finally to her home in New York. As unabashed cat-thusiasts, FIAB are ready to preorder this sucker. (Although the concept falls somewhat short of the band we fantasize our cats performing in: the Hovercats. When they play “Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies, it brings down the fucking house, and even dog-lovers must concede their greatness.) If Karen really wants to create a genuine “about the cat” experience, we expect the inclusion of a song about the joy of barfing on nonwashable items and something along the lines of “(Move Jonze Into Our Home and His Cameras Are) Toast.” We wonder what the rest of the band thinks about this concept—mostly because guitarist Nick Zinner strikes us as one of those guys who carries around a snake at parties. Perhaps as a preemptive measure, Karen O is also working on a top-secret solo album, due in 2007, said to feature a bevy of “superstar guests.” As long as Har Mar makes an appearance, we’ll buy that one, too.

Young Buck and His Fork Free to Go | A Los Angeles judge has dismissed the assault with a deadly weapon charge brought against G-Unit rapper Young Buck in connection with a stabbing at last year’s Vibe Awards, as video evidence proved that Buck was only wielding a fork when the stabbing action took place. Buck pled to the lesser, wordier charge of assault with a chance to produce bodily injury and was sentenced to probation and community service. His remorse for the dangerous fork-pointing was plainly illustrated by his comments outside the courtroom: “Look out for my new album, it’s gonna be in stores summertime of ’06, Bad Influence, and you can hear all about the situation. G-Unit!” There are no new leads on who actually got all stabby with victim Jimmy James Johnson, who is currently serving a year in jail himself for assaulting Dr. Dre. The lesson for all of us is this: If you’re experiencing murderous rage but would prefer to avoid jail time, reach to the left of your dinner plate. Going with the salad fork or cutesy sugar spoon will reduce your sentence even further.

Garth Brooks/McRib Make Simultaneous Comebacks: Coincidence? We Think Not | (Today we make our first foray into the hair-sprayed, headset-mic’ed world of country-pop—we’re so very sorry.) Remember in 1990, when you worked at Sam Goody with that lobotomized girl who insisted on playing “The Thunder Rolls” every time it was her turn to choose an album? Remember how she would describe Garth Brooks as “hot” and you had no choice but to roll your eyes at your reflection in the window because there was no one else in the store? Well, this is her fucking year, because our favorite fist-pumping doughboy is back with a “limited edition” boxed set, and, baby, it’s tearing up the charts. Well, maybe. The six-CD set is being sold exclusively at Wal-Mart, who told the press that it went gold on its release day and has now sold more than enough units to qualify for platinum status—if they were publicly reporting sales to the RIAA/Nielsen SoundScan, as is the norm. But that must require union employees or something, because Wal-Mart ain’t doin’ it—and you’d better stop asking. All the ingredients for high sales are there: Brooks’ recent marriage to longtime girl-on-the-side/fellow mayo-lover Trisha Yearwood, the desperation of thoughtless hayseeds to find that last-minute gift for under $30, and the set’s exclusive track “Good Ride Cowboy” (please note that we suppressed a pretty obvious Brokeback Mountain joke here). So why the secrecy, Wal-Mart? Why? Are you so accustomed to “shutting down” that you don’t know what the truth is anymore? Maybe it’s time to crack open one of those Dr. Phil books you’re so fond of selling and get in touch with the vulnerable storefront inside. Good luck to you.

Stapp, 311 Brawl Over What Jesus Would Do | Anyone following the back and forth between Scott Stapp and members of 311? Well, sit back, grab a mug of delicious cider, and let us guide you through this one, because it’s awesome (we’ll give you the self-congratulatory 311 version, as it’s packed with comic goodness): Thanksgiving night, Harbor Court Hotel Bar, Baltimore. Various 311 “musicians” and their wives/girlfriends/Gen-X hangers-on are enjoying the Lakers game and a few cocktails. Stay with us now, ’cause here’s where it gets good. Suddenly, crazy drunk rage-aholic Scott Stapp tears in with his new fiancé/future-cell-phone-toss-target in tow and starts the celebration by throwing shot glasses at the bartender. We know, right? Then, Stapp goes up to Doug “S.A.” Martinez and is all, “Dude, I really admire your band. You’re an inspiration to me.” Stop—savor it. Stapp inexplicably follows said asskiss with a dis to S.A.’s wife, S.A. refutes with a knuckle sandwich, band members Chad Sexton and P-Nut dive in, and shit gets nasty. Martinez later said that as he and his bandmates held Stapp down, he was “concerned for him [and] felt really bad for him.” [Ed. note: Burn, dude! 311 pities you while they beat you down!] Stapp has rebutted with a “They started it” defense, followed by a firm “nuh-uh, a-hole” from Martinez. As this is the most press the two parties have received since the late ’90s, we recommend they continue this rivalry well into the new year. Round one goes to 311, if only because they alerted the press before Stapp did, but note for the record that it took at least three played-out funk-rap-popsters to best one fallen Christian rocktard.

| The above are the opinions of Fish in a Barrel, and not necessarily those of the editors of PLAYBACK:stl. Just the funny ones. And the ones who are pretty sure there’s a joke to be made about the whole “Foxy Brown is deaf” thing, but can’t quite get there.

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