Fish in a Barrel | April 2006

Snarky humor with a hint of truth.

 

FIAB TrendWatch! You might assume that this young lady—we’ll call her “Ms. Super Hoo-er”—is a big fan of the Ramones. However, you’d be very, very stupid, because we’re almost positive that she thinks “Ramones” is “that bar in Tijuana where I puked, right?” In case you haven’t noticed, bands you’ve held dear since your lonely childhood— AC/DC, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd—are now nothing more than another logo to slap on a $20+ T-shirt—akin to “Kentucky Is for Lovers” or “I Spent a Summer at Camp Ballsack.” We’re suggesting that you put that vintage Nuge tee away (don’t forget the mothballs!) for the next five years or so, just to be safe. And please direct your hate mail to Urban Outfitters, the massive a-holes who started this shit.

Fake Is the New Black | A rumor recently came across the FIAB news desk (translation: we read it in Gawker) that column staple and original Awesome English Dude™ Pete Doherty isn’t a real guy, but actually a JT Leroy–style faux person dreamed up by wacky pranksters and former KLF members Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty to make a statement about the scandal-obsessed nature of the business we call “show.” At first, we scoffed. Impossible, right? But the more we considered it, the less ridiculous it sounded. Think about it—Pete showed up out of nowhere. His bands immediately got a ton of buzz even though they hardly play at all and, well, aren’t that great. And, most damningly, despite Pete’s every-other-day revolving schedule of arrests and overdosages, the man is neither incarcerated or…you know…dead. (No shit, he was arrested for possession and stealing a car while we were writing this.) Then we started to get excited. If the guy truly is a fake (the story on the Interwebs said he’s actually a Buddy Holly impersonator named Trevor McDermott), does that mean that Kate Moss fell for it and almost married a person who doesn’t even exist? Did NME just name an apparition the sexiest man of the year? Is this the greatest hoax of all time? Answer: No, we were right the first time. Turns out the hoax is a hoax, conjured by some English dude (of the regular variety, not the awesome) as an entry for something called HateQuest 2006. Lessons learned: Buddy Holly impersonators exist in England, Pete’s heart and liver are super-human, and the British legal system is apparently very forgiving.

See My Vest/See My Vest/Made of Real Gorilla Chest* | Pete Burns of the band Dead or Alive, who was previously best known for being robbed of fame by that distracting bitch Boy George (it seems there was only room for one flaming androgynous pop star in 1980s England—who knew?), ignited a tabloid shitstorm and nearly landed in prison when he bragged about wearing a gorilla skin coat on the U.K. reality show Celebrity Big Brother. Fellow contestants Traci Bingham of Baywatch (if it ain’t the ’Hoff, we ain’t interested) and Dennis Rodman were said to be disgusted—disgusted—by his blatant disregard for fashion’s strict moral code (tiny furry animals: yes; big furry animals that can hug like people: no). Somewhat amusingly, testing on the coat revealed it was actually made of the skin of Colobus monkeys—you can’t take Burlington Coat Factory employees at their word, silly! How this incident kickstarted Burns’ career (the re-release of his hit “You Spin Me Round [Like a Record],” an upcoming duet with the Scissor Sisters) is a puzzler, but we suppose a country with TV shows devoted to Paula Abdul’s and Lisa Loeb’s respective lonelyhearts is in no position to pass judgment. But at least we don’t buy Robbie Williams albums, freaks!

*Usually we favor a more subtle approach, but are compelled to note the gorgeous planet alignment that allowed a “Mr. Burns” to boast of wearing gorilla. It’s The Simpsons come alive, people! And if you don’t know the episode we’re talking about, pass this column to someone who isn’t wearing leggings (women) or a Strokes haircut (men), posthaste.

Breaking! Hot Chick Gets Cushy Gig! | Melissa auf der Maur, whose curly mane, teensy skirts, and adequate bass playing skills first captivated dirty dawg/dork Billy Corgan, then the world, has been hired by EMI Music Canada as an A&R consultant. The qualifications of the former member of Hole and Smashing Pumpkins include (1) being witnessed by the A&R director accepting unsolicited CDs without incident at the Pop Montreal music festival and (2) being a “great gal.” FIAB would like to take this opportunity to alert major and indie labels alike that we graciously accept all flyers, CD samplers, and free stickers passed out following shows (sometimes we even read them!), and we are fucking luminous. That said, auf der Maur is also finishing up her upcoming album—while using the months leading up to its release to divorce herself from her poorly reviewed solo debut, as is customary. “The last one was sort of like glorified demos from years before I even made it. It was dated… Now, this is my much more hard-at-work, mature effort. So to the 35,000 who bought my garbage: Thanks for the greens, suckas!” OK, we made that last sentence up, but we feel it was implied. Auf der Maur’s postponing any solo tour plans just in case Corgan needs her for the hilariously un-buzzed-about Pumpkins reunion—lowering her draft stock several more points.

Beck Teams With Napoleon Dynamite Director on Jack Black Film, Hipsters Commence Celebratory Circle Jerk | Wee Scientologist Beck has signed on to compose the score and contribute several tracks to the soundtrack for the latest offering from Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess. Nacho Libre stars Jack Black as a cook at a Mexican monastery who must become a wrestler to save the resident children. Sounds subtle. And *adorable*!! Anyway, this is Beck’s first film score and he sounds pretty excited about working with Hess, who he solemnly compared with Federico Fellini: “No filmmaker since Fellini has had such an eye for amazing characters.” (Oh dude, “amazing characters” is overstating it a bit, don’t you think? Maybe “petulant rubes who we can feel superior to/laugh down at?” Oops, there goes the Hot Topic demographic.) He then tried to strengthen his point by describing the film’s monks wearing “pointy white boots and tights under their robes.” Yeah, look out La Dolce Vita, your competition is stiff.

| The above are the opinions of Fish in a Barrel, and not necessarily those of the editors of PLAYBACK:stl. Just the funny ones. And the ones who snickered about Mariah Carey’s new Claire’s-only jewelry line (confusing tagline: “Wear it & you’ll be Hot Tamale”), despite spending a large portion of their junior high baby-sitting money on slap bracelets and cubic zirconia jewelry at that very establishment.

 

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