Fish in a Barrel | 10.06

 

 

Some Kind of Backtracking | Oh so quietly, anti-MP3ers Metallica have snuck their entire catalog onto iTunes. Although their full albums were already downloadable through other outlets, the band has suddenly reversed its position on not "contribut[ing] to the demise of the album format" and made individual songs available for purchase, too. Perhaps when they realized that no one was going to spring for Load in its entirety. Ahh, this sure takes us back to the heady early '00s, when those retarded bastards not only made themselves the faces of the scary and vengeful music industry by suing Napster, but thought it was pretty savvy to let pee-wee drama queen Lars Ulrich report the names of 10,000 Napster users to a California court-a move that will forever peg him as the douchiest of drumming douchebags (even trumping the guy from No Doubt). Thus, the fun version of Napster died, and our acquisition of the entire James Brown catalog was halted before we made it to the Scottie Bros. recordings (we certainly aren't going to pay for that nutty shit). On the bright side, Metallica was able to keep raking in millions and treat themselves to pricey therapy/rehab and tacky artwork (because Ulrich's shitter simply wouldn't be complete without that third Basquiat). Of course, no Metallica item can end without a final whimper from the boys-their music will not be sold on iTunes outside of the States and Canada "due to the fact that our record company overseas doesn't seem to want to play ball with us on this at the moment." Aww boohoohoo, why don't you gripe about it to a Congressional panel, sniff sniff? Helpful hint: Imply that the record company is run by Saudis who are also gay and they'll take care of that shit for you ASAP.

Damn Indecisive Bat Set to Fly Again | In our continuing coverage of new music no one asked for, we bring you Meat Loaf's third installment of the Bat Out of Hell series, due this month. If you, like us, were only vaguely aware that such a series (a self-admitted "marketing tool") even existed, here's the scoop: The new album is a follow-up to the 1977 original and 1993's Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell, and features appearances by the likes of Todd Rundgren, Nikki Sixx, and Steve Vai. In addition to the usual crazy-loud, sweeping piano operettas, this puppy will feature Meat doing some harder rocking tracks (sample title: "Land of the Pigs"-you said it, friend). But will the hard rocking be too scary for those who prefer the other shit, you ask? Says the man himself, "I think fans who liked Bat I and Bat II will enjoy Bat III." We assume the inverse is also true. There will, of course, be an overpriced supporting tour (hopefully limited to air-conditioned venues-that man is not small and the sweating could be a problem) and a special performance of all three albums in London. And, because no one in L.A. has just the one job, the Loaf continues to pad his IMDB profile page, filming a Masters of Horror episode and, in a stroke of pure casting genius and the only truly notable tidbit here, a cameo as Jack Black's father in the Tenacious D movie The Pick of Destiny.

Cornell Crafts Bond Theme, a Few Vagina Euphemisms Just for Fun | Audioslave frontman Chris Cornell has been selected to join heavy-hitters like Nancy Sinatra and Sheena Easton in singing the theme song for a James Bond film, the upcoming Casino Royale. Although he hedged initially-a man is nothing without his principles-a quick free trip to Prague to view a rough edit of the film (and a trough of cash/neato spy toys) quickly changed his mind, and he got to work on his most seductively mysterious screeches yet. Luckily, his foray into Hollyweird didn't long distract him from wrapping up the new Audioslave album, which will include a song referencing Hurricaine Katrina [SFX: audible gasp of shock/reverence!] because, "The fear that I have is that it will get forgotten, and as soon as it does, it has the potential to happen again, and obviously has the potential to happen again there." Wait…the What happened in the What now? Is someone hurt?

Sir Elton, a Day in the Life | Based on a few separate news items, we've painstakingly pieced together a rough sketch of how chubby funster Elton John spends his time. Each day begins with a thorough perusal of all British tabloids for any stories about him that could lead to a lucrative lawsuit (we imagine he employs a veritable rainbow of Brite Liners to mark his favorites); between court settlements and gaudy Vegas stage productions, the man may never have to write an original song again, and thank god for that. He's a big supporter of British newspapers (where a front-page story detailing the health of one of the Queen's corgis is no rarity) over American ones, saying, "You can read the New York Times, and by the time you get to the second page you're so bored that you throw the bloody thing on the floor. It's unreadable," an assessment that immediately earns him the title of Awesome English DudeTM (see also Doherty, Pete). Next on the agenda: issuing unsolicited opinions regarding others' careers. Elton has recently focused on Robbie Williams and his feud with ex-Take That bandmate Gary Barlow. Now, as Americans we don't care about Robbie Williams or his boring old boy band, so we'll sum it up: Elton says Robbie needs to get over it already. So there. If we're lucky, our flatulent friend is able to squeeze out one more unsolicited judgment like the following, which reminds us all of his significant historical influence and perspective, "[Fashion has] been a thing the British have always been very good at, with Bowie, myself, T.Rex, the Who, Queen…it's good that some American bands are beginning to do that, but it's still very rare for bands to make a real effort. I'm so over the tattoos and the T-shirts and rings through the noses. It's not pretty, it's not pleasant, it's not exciting. Please stop it now." If you know a member of the punk or faux-punk communities, please shield him/her from these cutting remarks-who knows how many suicides (or, worse yet, songs about suicide) could result! Whew, so that brings us to the end of another busy morning for the reigning queen of Awesome EnglishnessTM. Have a HoHo and take yourself a nap, buddy. You've earned it.

The above are the opinions of Fish in a Barrel, and not necessarily those of the editors of PLAYBACK:stl. Just the funny ones. And the ones who know that news about old dudes is the only news worth reading this month.

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