God bless America

Sometimes, I find things: colored stones, ferret toys, once a 20-dollar bill.


In my crazybusy life, it's the dog walking that really slows me down, forces me to notice things, to think and to process and to take it all in, wide-eyed. Sometimes I spot animals soaking up sun who'd rather not be noticed; other times, a brilliant flower pokes its head out and greets me. Last week, I enjoyed the ice-drenched and perfectly preserved trees, leaves, and berries. Other times, I find things: colored stones, ferret toys, once a 20-dollar bill.

But today I saw something I wasn't prepared for, something that really made me wonder: It was a bumper sticker on a car. The red convertible was otherwise adorned with one of those retarded yellow ribbon magnets (puh-lease…those things don't show any sort of support for anything other than following in the footsteps of every other lowest common denominator in America) and Mickey Mouse waving an American flag (I shit you not). And then there was this sticker: "Sex isn't dirty," it proclaimed in capital letters, before continuing below, "unless you're doing it right."

I started to wonder what kind of guy would really put that sticker on his car. Does he think it's gonna score him more babes? Like a chick is gonna see that thing and want to hop right in, get herself down a dirrrrrrty? I pictured the girl taking this cheeseball home to meet her parents. Mom and Pop gotta love a man that wears his ignorance proudly on a piece of plastic adhesive on his bumper, don't they?

Oh, but it gets worse. The other bumper sticker on my little red convertible? "I want to be Barbie; that bitch has everything!" Holy shit. So the driver of this car was a female? Huh.

In that case, guys might be more tempted to jump into her car. I still gotta question the parents and how proud they're gonna be of a guy who brings home a girl driving such a statement. But what about her parents? Oh my goodness. Girl's gotta be a peach—and they say fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, eh?

So now you see why I enjoy my quiet times with the dogs all the more.

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