The Olympic Challenge, or Why I Got My Butt Kicked in High School and Never Got a Clue

cutting_0818_sm.jpgAs it was, Terri Stevens’ sullen Eeyore face sucked all the "For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow" out of the room that left everyone denied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutting_0818.jpgThe Opening Ceremony for the 2008 Summer Olympics occurred Friday night, and wasn’t it just spectacular? The Chinese really know the meaning of "I’m doing it for my career, not for the money." I say that because there couldn’t be enough yuans in the world that would fairly compensate the 15,000 performers involved, and the poor sweatshop seamstresses who had to deliver those green suits in three days after the producers of the spectacle decided the original costumes clashed with the feng shui of the Beijing National Stadium. (Don’t quote me.)

I actually would not have remembered the Summer Olympics were scheduled for this year had it not been for all the negative press around China and its star-chamber politics which led, among other incidents, San Francisco’s photogenic mayor and newlywed Gavin Newsom to fool an entire city and redirect the torch route down a different boulevard to avoid protestors. (I’m sure the news footage exists on YouTube somewhere; maybe even in the archives of America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’m sure of it.) I normally get my news and gossip about the Olympics through McDonald’s Happy Meals.

There.

It’s out in the open: I am a grown man who purchases McDonald’s Happy Meals; but, believe me, it is only for the scratchers that are matched only by Lotto and Superball in their promises of instant riches. If I can only parapsychically influence Fate to deliver the Greco-Roman Wrestling Gold Medal to Aleksandr Kazakevic, then I’ll be rolling in honey and dead presidents.

THE LATEST CHALLENGE to piss our indomitable Project Runway candidates off was introduced by erstwhile Dancing With the Stars champion APOLLO OHNO who—ohbytheway!—owns not-one-but-two-count-it-bitches-two Gold Medals from the IOC. In short track speed skating. Which inarguably is enough street-cred to judge fashionable yet functional sportswear.

IN… KORTO MOMOLU. I wasn’t rooting for her linen—what was that, a jogging suit?—to win the night, but still, not bad, not bad. I must point out, however, that, for the second week in a row, Terri Stevens’ design was (in my opinion) the superior but managed to come up short. I would be happier for Korto actually if she looked like she was glad she won. As it was, her sullen Eeyore face sucked all the "For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow" out of the room that left everyone denied.

OUT… JENNIFER DIEDERICH. She says her designs are a nod to surrealism, like the art of Salvador Dali and the films of Luis Bunuel. I agree her designs are a nod all right—namely, to sleep. I can barely find the inspiration to finish this sentence that I have to bring to mind something as random as a blue plastic bowl with a goldfish swimming around in hot butter to get to a point where I can exclaim, "That, Jennifer, THAT is surrealism!"

HOT TRANNY MESS… And so we come to the inspiration for the subtitle of this column. Joe Faris produced an apt outfit, complete with a USA patch. Daniel Feld was thinking of the swanky after-party hosted by the Italian cyclists. Even boring Jennifer Diederich made an effort to draw from Olympics past to create her outfit. JERELL SCOTT, on the other hand…well, Jerell decided the producers had no idea what they were talking about and decided he was going to design a dress for Joan Crawford’s resurrection.

SWATCHES… I hear JOE FARIS is distraught upon realizing "drama" and "queen" are two words that meet for appletinis on a regular basis. Open your eyes, HEIDI KLUM: Your personal shopper is out to destroy you. It wouldn’t surprise me if MICHAEL KORS was behind the decision to scrap the original uniforms for the Opening Ceremony production. He loves the smell of sweatshop in the morning… NINA GARCIA says it isn’t difficult for her to stay thin with all the designs that make her gag. Is it me, or is TIM GUNN sizing up Blayne Walsh to be his personal Bronze Medal? Those guys in the green suits were volunteers? China, you are so WRONG! | Alan Quisimorio

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