American Idling | 09.19

american-idol_sm.jpgAdam is manufactured for this kind of arena performance.







DEAR AMERICA: Isn’t it obvious that you are being manipulated by Simon Cowell and the American Idol machine to leap off the Adam Lambert cliff? How can we still pretend this is a fair competition when Simon himself has surrendered the semblance of subtlety, upfront declaring his efforts to personally clear rights to U2’s "One" for Adam’s specific use; and topping it off with "Bono creamed all over himself with the honor" (well, something like that)? If Kris Allen’s naked rendition of "Heartless" is not evidence enough to what a truly great singer can accomplish without all the ILM effects (remember "Falling Slowly"), then you wholly deserve the wacky-tacky flavor of Glambert — you will have no right to complain the morning after when you realize the boy is still screaming like a monkey who’s been freed from Mary Kay’s test labs.

And shame on you, America, for choosing Danny Geeky over Allison Iraheta. You will have no seat at the table when she cooks up her recipes, Daughtry-skool.

KRIS ALLEN. "Apologize" was nothing short of an attempt at sabotage care of that maturity-challenged witch Kara DoYouGagMe. The "SLOW: Sinkhole Ahead" lights began flashing when she went mean-girl-to-mean-girl against bikini-clad Katrina Darrell back in Phoenix, but I exhausted all respect for her when she championed (read: pandered) bland-than-he-is-blind Scott MacIntryre over Alexis Grace. There is something to be said of an artist when he recognizes there are songs best left in their natural habitat, and that something is "instinct." In the event that Danny Gunky survives in the wake of "Heartless," the only reason I would catch the finale next week is to see my Allison take the stage again.

Indulgence, thy name is ADAM LAMBERT. The difference between Adam Lambert and David Cook is that the latter customized his songs without the three-pound bag of MSG, a thunderstorm, and screaming "It’s ALIVE!" I’m taking a risk by predicting that viewers will actually stop cold in their tracks and think out loud, "Hey, that’s coffee I’m smelling…and it’s Sanka!" I know I have been hyper-critical of Randy Jackson these past few years, so it galls me to credit him with the only dissenting critique of the overrated front-runner (Dawg, Kara Day-O-Day-Ay-Ay-Yo was your saving grace… Thank her).

DANNY GOKEY. His "You Are So Beautiful" was a Master Class in producing songs that will get the most action at the bargain bin. If iTunes offered any of the covers from the last two weeks for free, I would eventually sue for time lost. And, yes, I have had recurring nightmares of Danny hip-thrusting after me with a spiky microphone down an impossibly long corridor and that is simply unforgivable.

Anyway, America…I still heart you. I cannot be ungrateful to a country that is coming to its senses and recognizing that love comes in different flavors; that same-sex marriage is an inalienable right, much like opposite marriage; where even a beauty queen can practice free speech and we can call her a bobble-headed boob-job in return.

KRIS ALLEN FOR AMERICAN IDOL 2009!!! | Alan Quisimorio

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