American Idling | 09.16

american-idol_sm.jpgTwo things bothered me: the first, the Judges’ Save; the second, the gang-up against Lil Rounds.







There is no chance that Matt Giraud is winning this beauty contest; even Simon Cowell admitted as much. Therefore, the use of the Judges’ Save, as ballyhooed as it was, emphasized that Adam Lambert’s victory is predestined to the degree that the producers can greenlight an inconsequential and therefore anticlimactic decision.

That predestination continued last night when Lil Rounds was thrown under the bus by the judges without even a blink of deliberation, like these four jugheads huddled right before airtime and agreed that Lil Rounds was next to go, even if Anoop stunk of cheese (which he did), even if Danny continued to autopilot (which he did). Lil has nada chance of winning, but she deserved better consideration than what she was given.

ADAM LAMBERT. Did I say two things bothered me? Actually, three things. This overrated Easter ham would win if the finale were next week. Luckily, there are a few more opportunities for viewers to sober up and catch a good, long look just how much b-shiitake with a few bottles of Cold Duck they’ve been fed by the producers and the judges. (NOTE TO PAULA: I love my cougars, but you gave me the heebie-jeebies last night. Not cute. )

KRIS ALLEN. He keeps doing what he’s doing and we’ll have a truly satisfying, truly memorable American Idol season. He or Allison—choose one…and, believe me, America, you’ll thank me later when we’re buying tickets to the umpteenth road show of The Phantom of the Opera to catch Adam Lambert in his natural habitat. On the heels of a risky but rewarding Movie Night choice, Kris took another genuine roll-of-the-dice and snake-eyed and manned up a cover of a feminist anthem. (ATTN RANDY: Last week, you were ready to cut off Kris’ 15 minutes; last night, you were all "You have it, man… I believe in you, man… I always have, man…" Three words, Randy: Shut up, Randy.)

ALLISON IRAHETA. Yeah, she was Hot Stuff last night. She is apple pie and a tequila chaser. The girl-next-door with the black nail polish. Josie after midnight, when the Pussycats are safely tucked in bed. There’s not much else I can say other than the banal "You Go, Girl." I am not worthy.  

DANNY GOKEY. He is the BMOC who has body and soul but no balls.

MATT GIRAUD. "Stayin’ Alive." I’ll credit Matt at least one thing: he knows when to make a clever move. Is it enough to render the Judges’ Save useful? Have any of you seen the Final Destination movies? Based on his performance last night, Matt rightfully deserves to stay alive. However, elimination is inevitable. My advice (if we were in the same room and I was able to outsmart Fox security) is to continue throwing his punches. His swings are powerful even if he has problems hitting his marks, and when he goes down, hit the floor valiantly…but carefully as to not bruise the pod-creature—it’s so cute!

ANOOP DESAI. I knew it! I knew that without the lip-glossed close-ups, his spell on me would be broken! HA! His Donna Summer cover left me wanting to dim all the lights. Anoop has seen the Bottom Three often enough; he should just get on his knee and propose.

LIL ROUNDS. She was truly a picture of grace, because if I were her, why…I’d jump off that stage like it was on fire, chaka-khan the fake-sorority-girl sympathy smile off Kara DioGuardi’s B-Grade Witch face, then show Randy what the doghouse really looks like…ooh, and then snap Simon Cowell in half so he can eat the useless crap he’s been serving us. I’d leave Paula Abdul alone; she a drunk, she don’t know what she saying… Oh, there’d be DISCO INFERNO to payyyyyy! Throw ME under the bus, shoooooot… | Alan Quisimorio

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