American Idling | 09.10

american-idol_sm.jpg"If Norman Gentle were to sing in the woods, would you shoot him?"







SAFE (good chance of securing one of three slots to the Final 12)

Adam Lambert | A sure bet! If Von Smith makes it through to the Final 12 next week, we’ll have ourselves a good, old-fashioned shout-off, ladies and gentlemen…and, as a bonus, a free exorcism, care of the Fox network.

Megan Joy Corkrey | The majority of the ladies were painful to listen to, enough to turn an MOR performance of Corrine Bailey Rae’s "Put Your Records On" into a stand-out, like a drop of honey in a sea of Karo syrup.

Allison Iraheta | Paula Abdul, quote: "You could sing the telephone book." Yeah, anything that will help the erstwhile Mrs. Emilio Estevez find the number to the nearest Betty Ford. Seriously, this dark horse invites apt comparison to Season One’s dark horse Kelly Clarkson who, by the way, can throw the Manhattan phone book square into my face and I will still love her.

Kris Allen | I was a never a 13-year-old girl. But for this eye candy, dress me up in pink and call me Cindy.

EH (good chance of securing a second try in the Wild Card round):

Mishavonna Henson | I love her name. I love "Drops of Jupiter." If she doesn’t make it through tonight, I pray she gets called back for a second chance. Leaving Simon cold doesn’t always mean the end of the world; besides, prolonged exposure to extreme heat is not healthy for Squamata.

Kai Kalema | Safe, like Yanni. Yeah, that’s what I said: Yanni. Whatcha gonna do about that? Get Kenny G. to bludgeon me with his flute?

Jesse Langseth | A non-entity then, a non-entity now. I’m not saying she’ll always be a non-entity. She could surprise us in later performances; she could pull something that would be a total revela– oh, who am I kidding? Next!

Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle | OK, so the guy is entertaining, so the guy can sing; but if the guy has an alter-ego that is more interesting than what he wakes up to in the morning, the guy is a sad, sad clown. And VoteForTheWorst.Com loves its sad, sad clowns.


NOT SAFE (good chance of securing free airfare back to the suburbs):

Matt Breitzke | Oh, Matt. Ohhhh, Matt. Nick/Norman was supposed to be here, where you are right now, buddy. Between you and Mike Sarver, I was pulling for you, man. Your cover of "If You Could Only See" was boring and could use a little—wait for it, wait for it—Tonic. Yeah, I know that was a cringer. But so was your performance.

Leggy Peggy—I mean, Jeanine Vailes—deserves to be marooned! Thank you, thank you! I’m on a roll tonight! I’ll be here every Thursday, folks! I’m a bit p.o.’ed that AI is crashing the Lost party, but, hey!, that’s why the Big Guy in the Sky created DVRs! Two-drink minimum; we don’t take American Express.

Matt Giraud | Once more, and with feeling: You are no Elliott Yamin.

Jasmine Murray | The biggest disappointment of the evening. Off-pitch, embarassing, confounding. Rose Flack took the bullet for their group during Hollywood Week and this is how she is repaid? Fergalicious, my butt! Froggilicious, more like it, shoot…


Ryan Seacrest: Join me right here, American Idol wannabe. I won’t bite. (Unless I feel my masculinity is called into question at any given minute; then, I might bare a little fang, but I promise I won’t draw blood. Unless you want me to. Or the producers need ratings.) So, Randy! Do you think this wannabe has a place in the Top 12?

Randy Jackson: You know, dawg, I can see that you wanted to take a risk with that last number, but, you know, I wasn’t feelin’ it, dawg.

Kara DioGuardi: Maybe what you’re "feelin’," Randy, is my knee.

Randy Jackson: It’s sooooo soft. Like a blankie.

Kara DioGuardi: Respect me, or I will lodge this pen in your ear.

Simon Cowell: That won’t kill him. I kicked him in the throat when he wouldn’t stop licking my boots; but the bloody wanker just laughed like it was a tickle, he did.

Ryan Seacrest: Can we focus? I need the cameras back on me.

Simon Cowell: I think that last song didn’t do any favors. It was a karaoke performance on a cruise ship bound for Vegas, if I could be honest.

Ryan Seacrest: Paula, would you vote for this wannabe based on the performance right now?

Paula Abdul: I don’t know what Simon is saying; he was smiling the whole time.

Ryan Seacrest: Paula, would you vote for this wannabe based on the performance right now?

Paula Abdul: Oh! Are you asking me?

Ryan Seacrest: Let me rephrase that question: How many fingers do I have up? | Alan Quisimorio

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply