American Idling 09:01

american-idol_sm.jpg"By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll know better than to ask for an X-Ray."





GENERAL OVERVIEW: WHY were we subjected to two hours of mediocre Phoenix auditions?


I was glad to hear that the American Idol producers were cutting back on the freak shows (although Michael Gurr needs to be mentioned as something straight out of the Mos Eisley Cantina) to focus more on human interest stories, but why kick the season off with the ho-hum passable Phoenix stop? Literally, I fell asleep on my cat Toby, who was more bored than I was; he was probably hoping I would just roll over him completely and smother him to death.

The addition of Kahrah-Kayrah-Kero-Kara DioGuardi to the regular panel of judges will definitely lend some level-mindedness. As long as she (1) doesn’t buy timeshare in Randy’s dawghouse,( 2) isn’t seduced by Simon’s siren call to the dark side, (3) doesn’t accidentally sip from Paula’s cup, and 4) avoids further cougar vs. kitten Springer-style throwdowns such as the one with overnight-villainess Katrina Darrell. (And is it just me, or are K-K-K-Kara’s lips sponsored by Botox?)

Are we back in Phoenix Wednesday? If that’s true, that would mean four hours in a city I’ve once used in a poem about Kleenex… No? Thank goodness… What? Kansas City? Hmm, that might be all right. How’s the water in Kansas City? I heard the visit to Puerto Rico is a bust. And we’re eventually gonna end up with 36 semifinalists? Who the hell am I talking to?!

Okay, so every blog site seems to be excited by Deanna Brown, and I am too (catch her singing the blues on YouTube). Her voice has that whiskey quality reminiscent of Bonnie Raitt. Her look has that over-bleached quality reminiscent of a Russian mail-bride. She is ripe for a classic Kelly Clarkson makeover. Her song choice "Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay" wins major points with this San Francisco boy.

The other standout was Scott MacIntyre, primarily because American Idol emotionally manipulated me to feel he is a winner, the one to root for. How can you not rally for the blind guy?! He inspired me to purchase "And So It Goes" on iTunes, which all but seals how much I’ve been suckered. If AI pulls the rug from under me and eliminates him during Hollywood Week, I will find some way to move on, of course; I would first require the head of one Randy Jackson on a stick (he won’t be missed, believe me), but I will move on.

Ultimately, Cody Sheldon beats out Stevie Wright and Arianna Afsar as my numero uno pick from the Phoenix set to eventually make it through to the semifinals. That whole I-sing-like-an-angel-and-I-die-a-bloody-cinematic-death never fails to endear.

And we’ll see more from Michael Sarver, Emily Hughes, Brianna Quijada and J.B. Ahfua on Hollywood Week. Right now, they’re just blips on the radar. Oh, and Katrina Darrell. I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of that Pussycat wannabe, if only to give Ryan Seacrest a chance to prove he does pitch tents for the female kind. Oh, that Seacrest! He’s a true Maxim man.

Okay! So! Next stop: Kansas City… Kansas City, here I come! | Alan Quisimorio

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