Musicals We Would Least Like To See

…Based On Movies We Love

 

Broadway has swallowed up everyone from John Waters to Monty Python, and with a musical version of The Wedding Singer already underway and an upcoming show based on Heathers, tentatively titled I Love My Dead Gay Son: The Musical, there’s no end in sight. Here are a few movies we would like to keep off the stage.

1. ANNIE HALL
Featured Numbers: “Sex With You (A Kafka-esque Experience),” “Don’t Knock Masturbation, It’s Sex With Someone I Love,” “You’re What Grammy Hall Would Call a Real Jew,” and “La-dee-da, La-dee-da.”

2. METROPOLITAN
Featured Numbers: “Get Off My Back Mom,” “Good Luck with Your Fourierism,” and “Ceasing to Exist is Failure (That’s Pretty Definitive).”

3. GHOST WORLD
Featured Numbers: “Medium Is Really Only for Suckers,” “This Is So Bad It’s Gone Past Good and Back to Bad Again,” and “You Guys Up for Some Reggae Tonight?”

4. THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Featured Numbers: “The Rug (It Really Tied the Room Together),” “Hey, Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here,” “The Bums Lost (Your Revolution is Over, Mr. Lebowski),” “We Believe in Nothing,” and “’Til It Goes Click (Nobody Fucks with the Jesus).”

5. APOCALYPSE NOW
Featured Numbers: “This Song (Smells Like Victory),” “You’re Looking at the Heads (Sometimes He Goes Too Far),” “The Horror…the Horror… (A Reprise).”

6. DAZED AND CONFUSED
Featured Numbers: “Alright, Alright, Alright,” “Lick Me, All of You,” “L-I-V-I-N,” and “Twenty-Five of You Ain’t Coming Back.”

7. BLUE VELVET
Featured Numbers: “That’s a Human Ear All Right,” “Pabst Blue Ribbon Is What You’ll Drink Tonight,” and “Do It for Van Gogh.”

8. BLAZING SADDLES
Featured Numbers: “Excuse Me While I Whip This Out,” “He Said the Sheriff Is Near,” and “You Said Rape Twice.”

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