John Shepherd | Top Ten Things From 2007 That Just Need To Fucking Stop In 2008 (But Won’t)

strike.jpg 1.)    The Television Writer’s Strike
•    How dare they demand compensation for their talent and hard work!  Seriously, though, a lot of “Lost” fans are going to have spontaneous head explosions if that show gets delayed.

2.)    Constant Conversation About Car Transportation
•    I don’t give a shit about gas prices or that apocalyptic highway closure.  Neither should you.

3.)    Debate About Whether Global Warming Is Real
•    I’m looking at you, Heartland Institute.  Even if you weren’t funded by oil companies, you’d still be full of shit.  When the end comes, I hope you die more than once.

4.)    Fall Out Boy
•    Everything about that band is awful.  Everything.

5.)    No Carry-On Liquids On Airplanes
•    The ridiculous, insane illusion of safety is not actual safety.

6.)    “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila”
•    The TV show that continues to cruelly demonstrate how cute bisexuality is a lot more like a lobotomy than we ever thought.

7.)    Black Friday
•    Coming in 2008, Wal-Mart will start their sales at noon on Thanksgiving.  Fuck spending time with the family!  Show how much you really care by punching somebody in the face and getting the last $29 DVD player (now with extra toxins)!

8.)    Presidential Campaigning
•    We can all thank an 18-month campaign cycle for Mike Huckabee’s popularity.  People, what we don’t need is another borderline sociopath who thinks he’s got God on the party line.

9.)    Hardee’s (Or Carl’s Jr, for you West Coasters)
•    In 2008, Hardee’s will introduce its new Half-Pound Bacon Deluxe Hawaiian Hot And Spicy Melt Chicken Thickburger.  The wet, gelatinous sound it makes when you bite into it is the sound of misery and defeat.

10.)    TV Shows and Movies That Are Raping Even The Shitty Parts Of My Childhood
•    Alvin and The Chipmunks.  Knight Rider.  Star Trek.  Terminator.  G.I. Joe.  G.I. Joe?  What?  Stop.  Fucking STOP.

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