The Best Games in 2011 on which My Son Kicked My Ass

dragonball-zThis is called “spamming,” according to my son, and it did no good in preventing me from being his bitch.

Look, I admit it: I’m really not that much of a gamer. In fact, the last time I played with any consistency is when I had my first Atari 2600 and I was kicking total Pitfall ass. However, I do have somewhat of a competitive spirit, so I’m always willing to give it a go; especially when it comes to my 12-year-old son. So how did I fare in 2011? As you can probably surmise from the title, it didn’t go well.

1. Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3 (Nintento Wii) | This is a fighting game in which one must memorize various combo patterns to effectively annihilate your opponent. The furthest I got with this is continually hitting the button that makes Piccolo punch. This is called “spamming,” according to my son, and it did no good in preventing me from being his bitch.

2. Tron: Evolution(Nintendo DS) | This is maybe the most annoying item on this list.  I’ve been a fan of Tron for more years that I care to remember.  The original is one of my favorites, and I thought the sequel was terrific. Especially the cinematography in the Olivia Wilde scenes and the costumes, especially on Olivia Wilde. Oh, and the music whenever Olivia Wilde was onscreen.  Being such a fan of the films, I thought the game would be a no-brainer.  Long story, short; I was wrong. A level that was taking me over an hour, he did in under 10 minutes. Thinking about taking away his Nintendo DS, as punishment for making me feel stupid.

3. Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Nintendo Wii) | This is going to be great!  I can play as almost any character from the Nintendo universe, and choose the one whose power best suits me!  I am convinced this will be a hoot once I learn to survive more than 30 seconds against my son, who looks like he’s falling asleep as he repeatedly, and quite easily, dispatches me.

4. Resident Evil 4 (PS 2) | Yeah, I still play games on the PS2; shut it. And yeah, I am still playing Resident Evil 4 despite there being a Resident Evil 5 that’s been out for almost two years. I’m sure I’ll get to that sometime in 2016. At any rate, this is a game I consider to be “mine.” Well, I used to consider it to be mine until I got stuck in a castle dungeon fighting four zombies with gnarly snakes exploding out of their heads. I couldn’t beat that level until my son stepped in and showed me how. He never played the game before; I’ve been playing for two years. Considering going back to board games like “Candy Land.”

5. Super Mario Bros. Wii (Nintendo Wii) | Okay, here we go. Man, I remember accompanying Mario and Luigi and saving Princess Toadstool many times in the ’90s. It looks like I finally have a game I can win at. I begin to notice that this game is a bit more complicated, though, and as I keep dying, I can’t help but think maybe my son has rigged the Wii to work in his favor. I’m certain that dreaming up conspiracy theories is just my first step into the magical world of insanity. Maybe in that world I can finally win a game.

6. The Legend of Zelda – Ocarina of Time in 3D (Nintendo 3DS) | Wow, the 3D on this game is spectacular. It really is an amazing technology: 3D without glasses! I’ve always loved the character of Link, and from the time that Navi wakes him up to start his next adventure, I know I’m in for a treat. Here’s the problem, though: All I do is wander around in the woods, occasionally opening a treasure chest and getting “rupeees” and various assorted mystical doo-dads. Didn’t my son tell me this was going to be an “easy” and “fun” game? What I now find spectacular is how I’ve gone from feeling completely emasculated in two dimensions to feeling even more emasculated in three dimensions. Hooray for technology!

7. Lego Star Wars (Playstation 2) | You would be hard pressed to find a bigger Star Wars fan than I, and everyone knows that Legos are kid stuff. The combination of these two entities could only spell V-I-C-T-O-R-Y for yours truly. Level after level, I am shown up by this former four-pound preemie, and I am wondering if alcohol would do anything to soothe the pounding inadequacy echoing through my cranium. As a consolation, I begin randomly shooting Ewoks to give myself a semblance of power and control.

Here’s to a more successful 2012 in gaming. I feel a Pitfall challenge coming on. I know I can beat him at that. Right? | Jim Ousley

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