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Written by John Shepherd Tuesday, 03 January 2012 14:13

 

Just because the monkeys are throwing poop at each other doesn’t mean we have to look.

Top 10 Things From 2011 (and Before) That Just Need to Fucking Stop in 2012 (but Won’t)

 

1. Courtney Stodden and her weird pederast husband

Just because the monkeys are throwing poop at each other doesn’t mean we have to look at pictures of it, right? Gah.

2. Pretty much all current “pop” music

Perry, Bieber, Spears, Ke$ha…hell, even Michael Bublé. They’re all either robots or zombies (or robo-zombies) and it’s up to us to stop them before it’s too late (see #10).

3. Airport “security”

Taking a fork from an airline pilot? Confiscating a cupcake?! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The insane, ridiculous illusion of safety is not actual safety.

4. Internet memes

Yes, kittens are cute, especially when they’re doing kitten things (even in “nyan” form). And I thought that “Oblivious Suburban Mom” thing was kind of funny. But is this really what we should be spending our time doing?

5. Movies based on “classic” board games

Have you seen the trailer for Battleship? Apparently that movie somehow manages to dumb down a game that’s basically bingo.

6. Facebook

es, yes, I hear you out there, gasping and dropping your monocles. But listen: Even if I didn’t think Facebook was an insidious bastion of evil, I’d still think Mark Zuckerberg was a pompous, insecure prick. Why would I want to make that guy rich?

7. Guy Fieri

The man is a sentient cheese fry. Who gave the cheese fry a television show and told it we value its opinion about food?

8. Abuse and oppression in entrenched patriarchal institutions

You know how we put a stop to this shit? Elect Michelle president instead of Barry, and let her first act be to replace every single priest, non-professional sports coach, and military general in the country with a woman. Done. Speaking of…

9. Presidential campaigning

In a less ridiculous world, this wouldn’t even be on a list about things from 2011, but the fact is we don’t live in a less ridiculous world. Instead, we live in a world where Michelle Bachman (as a noted exception to #8, thereby proving the rule) gets a legitimate platform to spread hate (and eat corndogs). Also: Newt “The Pillsbury Dough Asshole” Gingrich could feasibly be the next leader of the free world. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if…

10. The “end of the world” in 2012!

Look, I actually believe that the Maya knew their way around a calendar like no one else but, whatever happens, this is not going to be a “John Cusack driving a limo into an airplane as it takes off from an exploding runway” kind of thing. At least…it probably won’t be.